317 lbs..... 12 years later...

So I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything here and It was started as sort of a journal for myself. Also a way for encouragement and support from cyber land and yet I never shared it with anyone but my husband. What a lot of good that did me. Now I sit here almost a year since my last post and I try to figure out why the events of the past year have happened the way they did. I hope to begin a journey of self discovery and somewhere along the way learn who I am or find myself.



My husband of almost 11 years has left me. May 1st 2009 he packed his stuff and left. I was devastated not knowing what this would mean. I still love him and I wish we could work things out but that does not seem destined to happen. He left me and the 3 kids here. I am fine with that. I love those children and I know that I can work life out and hopefully still provide a good stable home for them. What blows my mind is he says I have been a bad parent to his two children.... I ask "If I am so bad to them why did he leave them here with me?" Alex and Amber are wonderful children they have personality and spunk and they do well in school I have loved them as if they were my own. I will admit they are teenagers and they drive me crazy occasionally but they are really good kids. Then there is Rachel. She is our daughter and she is struggling so much right now. She has such a range of emotions. She loves her father but is very angry with him for leaving. I hate that she is having to go through this. It is hard for me but I know in my heart that it is hardest for the children. What makes it even harder is Alex wants to stay here. I want him to stay if he wants to! I have loved that boy since he first came to live with us when he was six! I have tried my best to raise him to be a good young man. I am so proud of his accomplishments and I thank God every day that his mother and I get along so well and are able to talk and we both seem to have his best interests in mind. I know that this causes my husband some discomfort. He is not happy that Alex wants to stay here. I truly believe he has convinced himself that I am not a good enough parent for Alex.

I wonder where I went wrong? What did I do that was so terrible? Why does he not love me anymore? Was it the military and all the deployments to Iraq? I wish I knew what the real problem was. Could it be my weight? Am I that ugly to him now? I do not know but I know that I will survive. I have to!

I thank god for my friends and family. You are the people in my life who make it easier for me to keep going every day. It is the children who I am most grateful for they keep me laughing and can always put a smile on my face even when I am at my lowest points.

Well gotta run and try to clean house while I have a day off! Thank you all!